OP AU - Paulie Sex Ed

Paulie would much rather teach Shop Class. In Shop Class he didn't need to spend three torturous weeks trying to explain The Facts of Life to the students of Grand Line High School. In Shop Class all he had to worry about was making sure that no one cut their fingers off, or other student's fingers for that matter.

But no, instead he was teaching Gym, which required him to teach se- se- forni- copula- baby making. There, Paulie thought it.

Paulie swore that Iceberg wouldn't let him switch just because the man liked to see him squirm.

One of the little horrible creatures that called itself his student raised its hand. "So if I'm, like, going down on a guy, and he, like, comes early, and I'm, like, still randy, what am I, like, supposed to do?"

See, they were awful little beasts of sin. The girls showed their legs and collar bones, and the boys tended to say things like, well, see above. Paulie gaped at the boy, not even able to form coherent thoughts at the question.

"You see- That's- You- What are you DOING outside of school!" Paulie finally spluttered. The little monsters chuckled at him.

"Ne, Mr. Paulie, what's 69?" A creature wearing a girls skin blinked at him.

"Girls shouldn't know about things like that! Cover your legs! Handkerchiefs are not skirts!" Paulie wailed at her.

"Mr. Paulie, could it be, you're a virgin?" the monsters grinned at him, like sharks to blood.

"That's not- I mean- Why-"

"DID SOMEBODY MENTION ME!" The door exploded, revealing Iceberg standing in the clearing dust, striking a dramatic pose. "Because it sounds to me like it's Sex Ed time again!"

He swaggered in, expertly ignoring Paulie, who was trying to spontaneously combust behind him. The students gaped at their principal, knowing that something important was just revealed there but they were too shocked to think about it at the moment.

"Now, I have been sitting outside the door, waiting for just the right moment to come in-" a few more horrifying dots were connected in the students minds "-and I have heard all of your questions. Starting from the top! That lad there! If your, nma, partner comes early, there is always your hand, or another partner, or just flip them over and-"

"Hey!" Paulie screamed. The students would be willing to do anything for the man right then, they were so grateful.

"And the next question!"

Iceberg turned and drew a wobbly, anatomically correct, stick figure diagram on the black board. The chalk squealed. Or that could have been the sound of the collective students' souls dying of embarrassment. Or Paulie dying of embarrassment.

"Nma, this is the 69 position. As you can see, the man's head goes here, and the girls head goes here, and the penis goes there. For two men, it is exactly the same, except there is another penis here-" Iceberg made another few lines, Paulie squawked "-and I imagine it would be much the same for two women, except they would really have to crane their necks to make it work and I can't imagine it being very comfortable."

A few of the students made a break for the broken door, only to find it blocked by someone who was, quite possibly, the only person more terrifying then Iceberg.

"Principal, you asked me to assist you?" Robin turned her cool gaze on the escaping students, sending them scrambling back into their seats.

"Nma, yes, just a moment please." Iceberg turned a smile that befitted him name on the students. "The last question, is Paulie a virgin?"

Robin hid a smile behind her hand, Paulie seized and foamed slightly, and the students suddenly really didn't want him to answer that question.

"Is Paulie a virgin? NMA HA! HA! HA! HA!"

That's not an answer! The students mentally screamed at him, but really, it was an answer. Iceberg knew it was an answer, the students knew it was an answer, and Robin just laughed at them all.

The last few dots were connected, and the image it created was one they all wished they could erase from their minds.

"Nma, with that out of the way, we can get to the things you're actually supposed to be learning!" Iceberg cheered and pulled a large cardboard box out from under the desk, and out of the box he pulled a smaller plastic box with a mouse in it. "This is my mouse Tyrannosaurus."

Robin coughed sharply, cutting Iceberg off. "Lucci, can you come here for a moment? Yes, I can see you back there, stop trying to hide behind Hattori."

Lucci growled and stalked up to the woman. They spoke quietly for a moment, then Lucci pulled a chair onto the ruins of the door and sat there looking threatening. Robin settled into the chair behind the desk and smiled sweetly at Iceberg.

"Please, continue."

"Nma, yes. This is Tyrannosaurus. I have found him a little girl mouse and they are going to demonstrate normal sex for us." Iceberg grinned hugely at them all and Paulie died a little inside. There was no way he would really go through with this, not ever he would be so perv-

Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak-

Everyone stared in revulsion at what was happening on the desk. Paulie thought that he heard Iceberg mutter something about not thinking that would work, but it could have been a hallucination caused by trauma.

If there had been windows in the room, the students would have jumped out of them. As it was, they tried to dig holes through the walls with their nails.

Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak-

Hattori cooed softly and perched in the table next to the screwing mice.

"Nma, looks like Hattori is going to demonstrate a normal threesome for us!" Iceberg said cheerily.

No, no he's not! the students thought furiously. Hattori looked curiously at the mice and-

Squeak, squeak, squeak, sque- crunch.

Lucci slow clapped.

"Nma, in normal threesomes, there is no head eating. You should never continue sex if there is serious bodily harm involved." Iceberg said faintly. Hattori cooed his agreement around a beak full of dead mouse. Don't worry people, Tyrannosaurus is safe and hiding in Icebergs pocket, but right then and there, half the class swore off sex.

"Nma, now that that's done-" Iceberg tipped over the box, pouring a small mountain of sex toys onto the desk. "-here's what you really came for."

Iceberg's grin was made of evil intentions. Robin snapped a pair of latex gloves on. Paulie cried.

What came after was the single most traumatizing, horrifying, disturbingly in depth explanation of sex in all of it's many forms, from the most vanilla to something that involved what looked like a black leather, spiky squid. It was better than any class on abstinence could ever be.

After what seemed like eons there came relief.

"You. You are supposed to be in a meeting." Kalifa growled. Lucci leaned around her so he could get a better look at the teddy bears that Iceberg was using as models. All of the students would have kissed her if they weren't glued to their seats by their dried tears.

"Nma, but I cancelled all of my appointments for the day." Iceberg whined.

Take him! Take him and run! The student's (and Paulie) mentally screamed.

"I. Re. Scheduled." Kalifa's hand shot out and wrapped around his ear in a grip like a vise. Before she dragged him completely out of the room, she gazed around at them all, glasses flashing dangerously. "This entire class is sexual harassment."

You're telling us?

"And remember kids-" Iceberg called "If you do have sex, do it with a don!" his voice trailed off, followed by sounds of violence. The students saw an end in sight, it was there, shinning just out of reach. One enterprising student was just about to make a break for it when Robin got their attention back.

"With that out of the way, it's time for what's really important." Her smile was calm and pretty, gentle in ways they knew were lies. "Contraceptives."

But we don't need them now!

And remember kids, three more weeks.